There are moments in my life, I have asked myself that same question. Usually, it was at times I had difficulty focusing on my day-to-day life. Throughout so many phases in my life, I didn’t know what purpose in life I served. Looking up from that deep hole I felt I was stuck in. How to find the energy to bring in that makes my life worthwhile? It was dealing with my physical situation as well, which created the struggle to start my day.
I fulfilled my roles being a mother, a wife, and a grandmother with love for sure. I loved being part of the family connections. Most of all, I loved to be playing a part of significance in their lives. Becoming a widow, was a challenge. For the first time after 43 years, I needed to learn to be on my own. Not just practical, in my day-to-day life, yet no longer being part of our relationship. How to find a new balance in my life, as a single woman.
The children have built their own lives. With their own family, having kids of themselves, the next generation. After my mom died, I was feeling the change, becoming the oldest in our family, the next generation. All those various stages we go through in our lives. The circle completed, from being born, growing up, getting married creating my own little family. Growing older, in the 40ies and 50ies phases. Becoming a grandparent as well. Now in my late 60ies. What does life have in store for me?
This question, the “why I am still here”, was rising from my deepest core. Feeling the way I felt, with some sort of despair. Weekends are difficult at times to be on my own. There are days I don’t speak with anyone, nor meet anyone. Being alone, on my own. There is a difference between being on my own or feeling alone. It comes and goes, like the storm that is blowing outside. It also is blowing inside my very inner being.
How can I be of service? What can I do to be of service? They do not really need me sense of feeling. Who needs me anyway – question? I think we can relate to this sense of feeling also caused by the pandemic we are in over the past 2 years. We can see it on the television about the way people feel and react to this isolation. The young ones who are not able to go to school, be with friends, especially in the first year of this covid story. Schools closed their doors; online teaching was the new norm.
All social life came to a full stop. Families were no longer able to visit each other. For me, it did not really change my life. My life was already like this, with the exception I was able to visit my daughter and grandkids. Because of my health, I wasn’t able to participate in social events. Birthday parties were no longer visited, which was somehow the glue between the family and friends gatherings.
My daily walks with the dog came to a stop as well. It created social meetings during these walks with other dog owners. Walking the same area with me, the same time throughout the day. It all created solitude, which is also part of who I am. Being the observant within a group. I rather spend time one on one, having great conversations. Yet always part of the group energy, small or big. This came to a full stop.
So, I need to dig deep within myself to find the answer to this question. I cannot depend on others to give meaning to my life. It is a core essence, which is the real connection between me and my reason to live. Is life worthwhile living for me? Those basic questions with such a profound deeply felt need to matter, to be me just the way I am. How can I be of service has always been my life motto? Yet, realizing everyone is living their own lives without me being part of it. This brought up this sense of grief as well.
Grieving my former life, being part of the relations, I have and had. This process of releasing and letting go of ways my life had been, connected with so many people. Facing a new way of being. Am I ready for this? No longer identifying with those roles, I have played during my lifetime so far. Opening up for a new way of being. Living from my heart has always been the most important part of connecting. That will never change. Moving forward, taking it one day at a time. Just allowing myself to be, all that I can and will be. Love.
I'd like to receive weekly articles in my inbox
