After having shortness of breath for a longer period, I got my diagnosis confirmed yesterday. Apparently, I have asthma which came as a shock. Labeling my lack of energy, as well as periods of catching my breath to my weakened immune system. Looking at it from a different perspective, it also made me realize I have been holding my breath for a long time. If I must put a date on it, I guess it already started in 2012.
Periods with a lot of stress, which were part of my daily routine and life over the past 8 years. Dealing with the illness of my beloved partner which lead to his transition in 2016. Leaving me alone for the first time in my life. I had to learn how to adapt to being single. Even though I knew I am an independent soul, capable of living my life on my own. It was also incredibly challenging. Those years going through all those struggles wayed heavy on my chest, and heart. Every time messages were brought in more bad news for the both of us, it took my breath away.
Yet we had to go on, working through the process together, each in our own way. At times, I had to push through, even though it was to be confronting. Being strong for the both of us at times, to hold the balance between the challenges and quality time. Over my head when the family and friends were coming over to be with their brother, son, friend on a regular basis. Where I needed the rest and quiet time for myself. It also was challenging because of the old patterns that were broken. Walls kept tumbling down so to speak.
It also comes with this sense of grief, already during my life, challenged with physical issues on my own. Yet first and foremost this period was also about how to fulfill my real possibilities in life. How to deal with issues and challenges to realize the options I had in my life. Sometimes about listen to my own inner voice blocked because it was too hard, in all honesty. As well to be totally honest with myself, when things grew out of hand, or over my head so to speak. Being the spokeswoman so to speak for my beloved during his period of transition.
When you lose the ability to take care of yourself, it will always cause problems or issues. It will show up in our physical system as well when it takes too much time to tackle the issue. We all know those periods, when something is been said, or you are being told something painful. Gasping for air, literally. These breaths we take which come involuntarily. I am used to doing my breath exercises, through my breathing and yoga calming down the system. The mental, emotional, and physical bodies react to get back in balance again by doing those deep and conscious breathing exercises.
Mindfulness and yoga training were a great assistance through the years. Soul searching as well. Yet, those times I had to park it so to speak, there was the anxiety, the pain, the sorrow, the loss of control. Ignoring over the years my physical component, companion so to speak became too familiar. The need to take a closer look specifically on this lung issue, the deeper layers, were thrown into the here and now. Surfacing with force, nowhere to hide, brutally naked and exposed. Time to really do a check-up on this aspect of Asthma.
You must be gentle with yourself I am told today. Be Kind To You. The song, you are in my Heart by Ro Stewart is a present to show me how close my beloved still is. How connected we still are, each of us in our own dimension. As the process we are going through, is unfolding for the 2 of us. This also means that we are more than survivors of a very traumatic, difficult period in our time. Being partners, lovers and more, the exchanges keep coming through, 4 years later still. That can also take my breath away, yet that is in a good and beautiful loving way.
It is about those periods that are causing my lung issue literally in my physical body. Those times and moments I knew yet choose to ignore. During those periods in my life, I stepped back to let the process play itself out. Yet, I also have the tendency to be too hard for myself. Almost demanding to be strong because weakness had a negative energy to it. So, the question came up today as well, are you still having an issue, then you must tell, not just yourself. Creating space by accepting and acknowledging within, for the choices I have made over time. Ignoring my inner voice, creating stress, anxiety, and the feeling was all over my head. Key element, control.
Fear, if I would follow up on my inner guidance, what outcome it would bring. Closing it down within the space where air is so needed to expand. The lungs as the filter as well for our emotional well-being. Being free of emotional wounds, trauma, creates space within. No inflammatory, no shortness of breath either. Time to bring all these stuck energies to the surface with love and kindness, compassion. Needed to bring in the necessary healing from within outwards. On the soul’s level, as well. Not from validation from the outside world, yet from my own inside world. Aspects that need the full attention, the loving care and knowing it is good.
Imaging underwater swimming, our summers we spend, bringing episodes back to my memory. Snorkeling in the warm sea water, feeling comforted and held, as if I were in the womb back again. The same year we had so many to overcome together, all our holidays at the lakeside in France as well. Now we can work through those challenges, we were dealt with. This changes everything, not just for me. For my beloved as well on the other side of the veil. Like the songs we hold dear, you are the wind beneath my wing.
This morning brings everything together, writing started 3 days earlier. Just today I can bring it out into the light, the material world so to speak. Today is about healing, loving, living, feeling the intense love for me. Affirmation as well for myself. Time to release and relieve. Time to breathe freely again. Listening to my inner voice, knowing and no need to hold back. Just accepting everything and all that I am, and then some more. Just because I can. Infinite connection with my beloved, through our unconditional love for not just each other. Learning the lesson to unconditional love ourselves as well, for that is the key.
And so, it will be done.
I'd like to receive weekly articles in my inbox
